merry who? merry xmas!

i was about to answer the call of my new, absolutely lovely cotton sheets when it dawned on me: i didn't blog about xmas. so i got out of bed and turned on my laptop.

it was my first christmas away from home. the best i ever had since i've known myself! i spent most of the day in bed, sleeping and daydreaming. at about 1pm i phoned home to wish my grandmother happy birthday.

short. painfull. i couldn't stop rolling my eyes over as i was talking, i was filled up with nausea. they called me over. as usual (as i do when i want to get rid of someone) i said "ihm. yeah, ok, ok". i ended the call and gone back to bed.

i can't remember when exactly (since it's obviously sooo important to me), my father came by my house this week. i guess i should have been more enthusiastic about those 2 bottles of water and a couple of sweets he brought, since i've been waiting for 3 months for them to worry about whether i have what to eat or not. so there he is, on my door step, with a couple of bags. wow, a christmas miracle!

since i've moved out from home, he never once came with something when he visited me. not a bottle of water, though he has a car and he could have speared me the effort of carrying it with public transportation, not a piece of bread, not even a chocolate. not once did he ask me "how's things? how much money do you have left? do have any food in your fridge, shoes on your feet, stuff to wear?". nope. they never call me to see if i'm still alive or lying dead in a gutter. they never come by my house, though, to tell the truth, i don't want them here since the last time they came we had a HUGE fight. nope, nothing of that sort.

now i'm in permanent exile, they've also cut my money.

on monday morning, as i was getting ready to go to work, i saw a missed call on my cell. i beeped back. my mother called. she started crying over the phone telling me that she had a sad news: my father has a brain tumour. i froze. it wasn't because the news itself affected me in any way but i froze because i didn't know who to react. what was i supposed to do? act like i cared when in fact i didn't?

these people caused me so much harm and yet the only thing i will never forgive them for is picking on my mother... i don't wish them bad things, i'm not glad for what they're going through, i just want them to disappear from my life. clean and simple.

when he came around the house on tuesday or wednesday he started crying as he was leaving, asking me to come home for christmas as "it might be the last we spend together". and again i froze. wtf?! you make my life a living hell but i'm supposed to act as if nothing had happened just because it's christmas?!

i do wonder though... did my life really fall apart? they pulled the rug from under my feet, did so many miserable things just to blackmail me into going back home. i've lost the second faculty i wanted to apply to, i lost my apartment, i lost the car, i lost my MA money and money in general... did i gain my freedom yet? why am i under the impression that i have to hold on a bit longer?

what does this have to do with my christmas? everything.

i made myself the greatest gifts of them all, something i could never bring myself to respect: CONSISTENCY. i wrote them off and i stuck with my decision.

my lovers gone

no earthy ships will ever bring him home again