merry who? merry xmas!

i was about to answer the call of my new, absolutely lovely cotton sheets when it dawned on me: i didn't blog about xmas. so i got out of bed and turned on my laptop.

it was my first christmas away from home. the best i ever had since i've known myself! i spent most of the day in bed, sleeping and daydreaming. at about 1pm i phoned home to wish my grandmother happy birthday.

short. painfull. i couldn't stop rolling my eyes over as i was talking, i was filled up with nausea. they called me over. as usual (as i do when i want to get rid of someone) i said "ihm. yeah, ok, ok". i ended the call and gone back to bed.

i can't remember when exactly (since it's obviously sooo important to me), my father came by my house this week. i guess i should have been more enthusiastic about those 2 bottles of water and a couple of sweets he brought, since i've been waiting for 3 months for them to worry about whether i have what to eat or not. so there he is, on my door step, with a couple of bags. wow, a christmas miracle!

since i've moved out from home, he never once came with something when he visited me. not a bottle of water, though he has a car and he could have speared me the effort of carrying it with public transportation, not a piece of bread, not even a chocolate. not once did he ask me "how's things? how much money do you have left? do have any food in your fridge, shoes on your feet, stuff to wear?". nope. they never call me to see if i'm still alive or lying dead in a gutter. they never come by my house, though, to tell the truth, i don't want them here since the last time they came we had a HUGE fight. nope, nothing of that sort.

now i'm in permanent exile, they've also cut my money.

on monday morning, as i was getting ready to go to work, i saw a missed call on my cell. i beeped back. my mother called. she started crying over the phone telling me that she had a sad news: my father has a brain tumour. i froze. it wasn't because the news itself affected me in any way but i froze because i didn't know who to react. what was i supposed to do? act like i cared when in fact i didn't?

these people caused me so much harm and yet the only thing i will never forgive them for is picking on my mother... i don't wish them bad things, i'm not glad for what they're going through, i just want them to disappear from my life. clean and simple.

when he came around the house on tuesday or wednesday he started crying as he was leaving, asking me to come home for christmas as "it might be the last we spend together". and again i froze. wtf?! you make my life a living hell but i'm supposed to act as if nothing had happened just because it's christmas?!

i do wonder though... did my life really fall apart? they pulled the rug from under my feet, did so many miserable things just to blackmail me into going back home. i've lost the second faculty i wanted to apply to, i lost my apartment, i lost the car, i lost my MA money and money in general... did i gain my freedom yet? why am i under the impression that i have to hold on a bit longer?

what does this have to do with my christmas? everything.

i made myself the greatest gifts of them all, something i could never bring myself to respect: CONSISTENCY. i wrote them off and i stuck with my decision.

my lovers gone

no earthy ships will ever bring him home again

(not) letting go

I am not an expert on love and relationships, i can't even receive advice, howcould i possibly give it? I'm just someone who feels that has something worth saying... "Why should i care about your opinions?" you might ask. Yes, why should you? I'm not saying any different, it's just that, in matters of the heart, i've always been convinced by the personal experiences rather than scientifically articles and stories. So if you're anything like me, maybe you'll read my posts after all:)

Love's supposed to be around every corner and it's not my business to contradict this saying but for me... it doesn't happen very often. To me, falling in love IS a miracle. Most of the time i'm to absorbed by what I want, what I need, what I do and about what's mine to pay any attention for any other world than that which revolves around me. Thinking about another persons' feelings, thoughts and actions is, 99% of my time, unacceptable. Even after i fall in love i find i experience mutiny moments, those "who does he think he is?!" and "you'd better have a good reason for asking me to do that, aside from the fact that i love you" moments... When i catch myself wearing "that smile" or "that face" the first thing that comes into my mind is "YUCK!! I've become one of those mushy people i hate! What is this guy doing to me?!" Ok, sometimes the complete phrase is "he has to go, i'm mutating"... Hmmm, that's right: i kinda like wish it away.

Of course with me nothing is ever easy! Right after it's over, i cry after it, i can't seem to let it go. Why? Because i was happy. That is why i can't let it go after all this time, because i was happy. No matter how many flaws i find in his behaviour (never in him, i knew right from the start who he is) and no matter how hard my stomach churns at the thought of him lying with everything, i can't seem to out him of my thoughts. Sometimes, while writing, i keep his picture opened on my desktop... Putting salt on my wounds, i know.

I've asked myself this question, over and over again, as i am sure that many other women out there going through the same situation as mine have: why can't i let go? The truth is it's not about how happy i've been or about how sad is this failure making me, it's about the fact that i find it hard to believe that the miracle will happen again for me. Ever. I alone choose to have the certainty of a love gone bad than put my hopes into an illusive future love. So i guess that my belief that there is no pre-made hell is true, we willingly choose to fabricate hells for ourself.

P.S. Oh yeah, i need to grow up. As does he. That's why it didn't work, i know:)

where are all the normal people?

It often happens that i have a topic in my mind and a clear vision of it, for minutes after to forget completely what i wanted to say. Well, the disadvantages of having ADD, what can i say...

Last night i met a couple of friends and friends of friends, for drinks. Or at least i that's what i thought they were, drinks and be back by 3 o'clock in the morning. I got home at 5:30, we went out for a pizza right after de club. Go figure... I sat in this rock'n'roll club and watched people dancing, having the good time i wasn't in the mood for. After all, it's not something i usually do, watching people... I'm too shy, when i walk on the street i rarely look at peoples faces, but from a dark corner of a club i felt safe, like a little spider spying on his pray... Just like in any club there were all kinds of people but i focused my attention on the couples. While i was looking at the 3-4 couples that were dacing in front of me, i asked myself "what do you suppose they feel for each other? are they in love or is it just lust? could it be the force of habbit? were they ever in love in their lives?" and stuff like that. Maybe those question were for myself...

"What kind of couple would we have been?" Here's an answer: does it even matter anymore? Now i'm stuck again in this place of being in love with someone. And just that: being in love with someone period I don't want to go out, i don't want to meet new people, i don't want to date anyone, especially the last one! I like to wallow in my little puddle of muddy waters, i feel safe rather than going out there and discovering new types of men that are the reasons for which i enjoy being single. I had enough of freaks, where are all the normal people? When did they stop wanting to be themselves and started behaving in predefined ways? I'm saying "they" because i'm usually the freak, the one that still thinks that society is built around man and not the other way, that man as te power of change... When did i become a freak for saying and doing exactly what i feel or want?

Or are we just too blind to see the fact that we are all weirdoes in our own special way? So the way i see it, we'd best try not to blame the others for being what they are and also try not lose hope of ever finding our own little freak, that will zig when we'll zag and meet us right half way down our tangled road:)

love has no age

They say love has no age, that you can fall in love no matter the number of springs you bare on your shoulders and i truly believe that, but untill today i never thought of a particular aspect of this subject... as we grow older, falling in love gets more "expensive", it costs us more...

The first time i remember falling in love was in kindergarden - i think i was about 5 years old - , he's name was Radu and... that's pretty much everything i remember except my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lunch box and tasty sandwiches. As the years went by and i became a teenager, things were still simple, following the principle "i saw & i liked". Gradually i became fed up with the boys that fell in love with me just for my pretty face... What did they could possibly know about me? Nothing. I got to the point where i was offended if a guy really liked me, i could smell it on him and just like a wild beast that smells fear, i attacked. Cynical, ruthless, cold and just as deadly. What did i care about the poor bastard?... Neah, never did.

Almost 10 years had to pass for me to experience it on my own skin, but that's another story... I can feel it my bones i didn't learn my lesson, i never do, but... who knows? Maybe next time i'll have a bit of consideration...

Now here i am in my twenties, just as jaded and not a bit wiser than the fool i was before. I fell in love with a man i knew was wrong, i had all the signs to that, i knew it so the only thing i can complain about is the fact that... it's a shame, i truly believed in him. It costed me almost 4 months to realize i was in love with him and almost a year of crying and the nerves of my friends and family that absolutely hate his guts and want to kill me every time i think or talk about him. I don't blame them, i would gladly beat myself up if i could... But i can't help it, i was happy... we said it best when we said nothing at all, our silence spoke out loud and it was saying all the right things.

when seasons click...

There's a period in the year when you can almost feel the seasons click, it's like someone pulls a huge switch in the sky and the sun shows or hides itself like this giant light bulb. I can feel autumn coming along, yet all i can think about is lists and closures: lists of what i've achieved this year, lists of what i've left undone, lists of things to do before i die, things i've left behind and things i've wanted... I know this is normal during winter, when the holidays are near, but since i've never been able to make a proper list of anything (i always ALWAYS leave things out or even when i pin point them, soon after, i forget all about them...), i figured that it's no harm in doing my homework in advance. Maybe by Christmas and New Year i'll present myself, for the first time ever, the list without the dread of it not being complete.

Untill now, the only list that's going well is the one of "things to do before i die" because i get all these crazy ideas... like wearing of those clown noses, or produce sounds with my armpits, knit a sweater (i already know how to knit, it's just that i've never knitted anything besides scarves), die green a lock of my hair, get a tattoo (tiger, right hip), yell on the corridors of my high school - during classes - "laaaaaaaaaaaassiiiiie, come hooooooooome, laaaaaaaassiiieeeee!", stuff like that...

Of course my list also includes sane things, d'oh... like travelling to New Zeeland; getting the chance to learn my ancestors' language, daca; do volunteer work in 3rd world countries; learn fast reading techniques; learn to play chess properly =)))

And since my list shapes up to be divided in "sane" and "non-sane" things, i wonder where to put this item... the "not falling in love ever again" issue. Well, i have a lot of time to make my mind up:))

bridge to terabithia

Look what we can do now, together, running side by side...

Remember now...
Whatever may come, when ever you're lost remember there will always be a place for us
castles we build crumble dust
don't worry
there will always be a place for us.

flying high with broken wings

My life has no meaning unless i can feel... I paint the world in the colours of my feelings with my magic wand... I'm only a bit crazy, i don't see why that's an issue... I've always put my heart and soul, my love, my hopes, my dreams, my trust, my faith in each and every person i cared about and each and every thing i loved doing. Now my wings are broken, my will is crippled and my thoughts are scattered... but i won't take back what i gave. I'll leave my colours on those decaying walls, i won't take my soul from the deformed shaped it was poured in, i'll leave my hopes and dreams right where they fell and let their light die on their own, i'll leave my trust and faith petrify, i'll leave my love in the empty heart i've placed it. I won't take anything back. I won't know better next time. I'll give because i need to throw light on shadows...

Shooting stars have a short life but i'll burn with all my might.